Entry-Level Life: A Complete Guide to Masquerading as a Member of the Real World

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Sure, college equips you with vast knowledge of iambic pentameter, plate tectonics, and Pygmy tribal rituals. But do you know how to fake a rèsumè? Can you get a copy machine to sort, stack, and staple 3,000 pages for your violently insane boss? These are the real issues of the Real World and-surprise!-they don’t teach them in college…


NPR Interview

Before he got married, before he turned uncool, and way before he got a minivan, Dan talked to National Public Radio’s Liane Hansen about his first book, that perennial graduation gift that smooths the transition from dorm to dump, keg party to cocktail party, classroom to office cube.

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Excerpt

Ten Trick Interview Questions: Think Before You Answer

1. How did you choose your college?

WHAT YOU THINK: It was the only one I got into.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
It was the best of all ten that recruited me for a full academic scholarship.

2. Tell me something you learned in school that could be used on the job.

WHAT YOU THINK: That Aristotle emphasized the observation of nature and stressed that virtue is a mean between extremes.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
How to budget my time to meet deadlines.

3. What have you been doing since graduation?

WHAT YOU THINK: Groveling before people like you for a job.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
Holding out for the perfect job, and, frankly, I believe I’ve found it.

4. Are you willing to take a drug test before being hired?

WHAT YOU THINK: Oh my God.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
As a thoroughly prepared, highly motivated job candidate, I have already made it my duty to undergo a drug test, and I am pleased to report the results are entirely negative.

5. Where do you want to be five years from now?

WHAT YOU THINK: In Barbados.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
In management.

6. What’s your biggest flaw?

WHAT YOU THINK: What are you, my mother?
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
I’m a perfectionist.

7. How long do you plan to stay with our company?

WHAT YOU THINK: Until the interview is done.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
For the rest of my life.

8. Why did you leave your last job?

WHAT YOU THINK: Job?
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
Creative differences.

9. Do you have any questions for me?

WHAT YOU THINK: What’s the deal with that thing in your teeth?
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
What has been the growth cycle of the company over the last five years?

10. Tell me, hotstuff, what are you wearing underneath that sexy suit?

WHAT YOU THINK: Diapers.
WHAT YOU ANSWER:
Um…What has been the growth cycle of the company over the last five years?

POP QUIZ: Are You Living in the Real World?

  1. Is there an extra room in your apartment that is not being used to absolute maximum capacity?
  2. Do you use the plastic divider bar to separate your groceries at the checkout line?
  3. Have you ever given the following advice?: “Drive carefully.”
  4. Have you ever asked the following question: “Seen any good movies lately?”
  5. Have you ever trimmed your nose hair?

 

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